Today I rubbed a handful of testosterone gel onto my shoulder for the third day in a row.

It feels a little bit surreal still, like a happy dream that I could wake up from at any moment. So far I’m still here, though, and I’m feeling more and more like myself every day.

The biggest change I’ve noticed so far has definitely been in my mood and anxiety levels. I’ve got autism, ADHD, and CPTSD, so let’s just say I’m pretty well acquainted with being on edge. Since starting T, however, I’ve felt a lot more stable than usual. My mood doesn’t fluctuate nearly as much as I’m used to. Instead I seem to be hovering around in a neutral-pleasant mood.

I’ve also felt a nice boost in confidence. That may be an effect of the T or it may just be that I feel good about finally starting HRT, but either way it’s a welcome change. Adolescence and early adulthood really knocked me down a few pegs in terms of self-esteem and assertiveness, but the past few days have brought in a little bit of a rebound from that. I actually feel good in my body for the first time in a really long time.

The one side effect I’ve identified so far that I don’t find super pleasant is the sweatiness. I noticed yesterday that I was getting these sort of mild hot flashes, where I’d start sweating uncomfortably despite not doing too much physically. Normally I am an extremely unsweaty person- I’m chronically cold-blooded, and even when I do get hot I rarely progress past a light sheen. But the last couple days I’ve found myself wiping sweat off my forehead while doing minor tasks like getting dressed or carrying a few bags inside.

I shot a quick message to my prescribing NP through Plume, and was really pleasantly surprised to see she answered right away despite it being a Sunday. She said that sweating occasionally comes up with T and also has been known to be caused by finasteride, but it should be harmless. She told me to keep an eye on it and report back if it was becoming a real inconvenience, but as long as it wasn’t affecting my quality of life I didn’t need to be concerned.

Honestly, if the trade off for feeling this good is a little sweat, I’ll take it. Not a bad exchange. Plus, I could swear my leg muscles are already more defined, so… All’s well that ends well.